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title .Three weeks after the and I love this second checkup, I went in for another scan. It’s incredibly difficult because there’s a waiting period where you sort of lie there and all you can do is look at the sonographer’s eyes, and then at the ultrasound screen. You’re looking for a glimmer of hope. It’s this never-ending moment. Eventually, he asked me to hold my breath and I could just tell something was wrong. He just looked at me, I could see it in his eyes, and he just said, “I’m so sorry.” I found out I was having what’s known as a missed miscarriage, which means your body still thinks you’re pregnant, but the baby has stopped developing. He said, “Look, I know that you had an ectopic before this. I know it feels like they’re connected, but they’re not. An ectopic is very different from a missed miscarriage. These two events aren’t connected.” Missed miscarriages are incredibly common, with 1–5% of pregnancies resulting in a missed miscarriage, unlike ectopics. My partner asked if this had anything to do with my endometriosis, and he said it didn’t. He said, “One in four women suffer from miscarriages and you’ve done nothing wrong. It doesn’t mean you can’t try again. You’re obviously very fertile and there’s something encouraging there.”
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title He then told me my options, which were: wait and see if you miscarry naturally, or have a dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure, which is essentially the and I love this same as the one performed when you have an abortion, in which the cervix is dilated so that the uterine lining can be scraped to remove the abnormal tissue. I’d had a D&C before because I had an abortion when I was in my late twenties, and it was a lot more taxing than one would think. But I made an appointment for the following week. The days that followed are hard to articulate. I don’t think anything in life can prepare you for the emotional pain that you experience, having something that you’ve wanted for so long taken away from you. And it was just so hard not to feel victimized when this was my second loss. I kept thinking, How is this happening again? What have I done wrong? Why is my body letting me down? It’s really hard not to feel like your body is defective at that point.
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